Weddings and marriage are a big part of life in the villages, and almost all marriages here are arranged. Its not a we-picked-this-person-for-you-when-you-were-4 arranged, but it is still very much a family affair to find a partner for a young unmarried family member.
I have been asked many times if I will have a "love marriage" or if my friends and family had love marriages or arranged marriages, and I have to explain that in America, we just say "marriage" and that we don't use the term "love marriage" because there's nothing else (except for in immigrant families/communities).
I was asked about the marriage ceremony in the US, and when I got to the "you may kiss the bride" part, I got some interesting responses... first: "Is it their first time kissing?", because in an arranged marriage you may not have had any physical contact with your partner-to-be. The second "Oh my... in front of all those people?" because public displays of affection are very rare in India and indicate some kind of moral deficiency.
They are also shocked when they find out that Dolly and I have both had serious girl/boyfriends before. Here, you fall in love once, and that's it. If you're lucky you get to marry the person. They have a saying "In America you fall in love and then get married, in India, you get married and then fall in love." If you have had a serious relationship and it didn't work out, you are considered tainted or faulty, especially if you are a woman;
They think that their way is better because our way so often ends in divorce. They overlook that divorce is not an option in India, as women are economically and socially dependent on their husbands' families and their own families may not take them back, a vulnerable situation which can lead to domestic violence and abuse.
There is also a gap between belief and practice, and this goes for all of the moralizing. Many of the people who will say, "Indian rules about love are perfect" are having affairs, they say "drinking is bad" but then they go get plastered, they say that you shouldn't date, but are seeing someone. This is probably true of all small-town conservative societies, and I'm looking forward to returning to a liberal big-city!
I have been asked many times if I will have a "love marriage" or if my friends and family had love marriages or arranged marriages, and I have to explain that in America, we just say "marriage" and that we don't use the term "love marriage" because there's nothing else (except for in immigrant families/communities).
I was asked about the marriage ceremony in the US, and when I got to the "you may kiss the bride" part, I got some interesting responses... first: "Is it their first time kissing?", because in an arranged marriage you may not have had any physical contact with your partner-to-be. The second "Oh my... in front of all those people?" because public displays of affection are very rare in India and indicate some kind of moral deficiency.
They are also shocked when they find out that Dolly and I have both had serious girl/boyfriends before. Here, you fall in love once, and that's it. If you're lucky you get to marry the person. They have a saying "In America you fall in love and then get married, in India, you get married and then fall in love." If you have had a serious relationship and it didn't work out, you are considered tainted or faulty, especially if you are a woman;
They think that their way is better because our way so often ends in divorce. They overlook that divorce is not an option in India, as women are economically and socially dependent on their husbands' families and their own families may not take them back, a vulnerable situation which can lead to domestic violence and abuse.
There is also a gap between belief and practice, and this goes for all of the moralizing. Many of the people who will say, "Indian rules about love are perfect" are having affairs, they say "drinking is bad" but then they go get plastered, they say that you shouldn't date, but are seeing someone. This is probably true of all small-town conservative societies, and I'm looking forward to returning to a liberal big-city!
It is clear that I would be considered quite the radical woman / tainted for sure because a) I am 30 and not married and no prospects of marriage. b) who will marry me now because I am tainted. In small indian communities such as where you stay, there's also probably a notion that everyone accepts that if you are "tainted" you cannot find a good husband and you will have to settle with someone who is a lot older, not good looking and probably handicapped, because, you are lucky that someone wants to marry you.
(this is my first entry also a test to see if I can actually post)
Also, I want to add that what I HATE more than anything about Indian guys that come to the United States (not all of them but probably a good chunk of them) come to the US to study or whatever and have 'affairs' or go to clubs to dance with and hook up w/ "american girls" cuz they are easy but then will go back "home" to find a nice girl to marry.
The ideas that are put in the heads of young men and women by society are by far the most ridiculous and hypocritical that i have ever heard of in my life. I get so incredibly outraged by these statements (that you stated above) because I have also heard such things. Indian way of love is better. Also divorce is really really hard to get in India, even if you are a victim of domestic abuse. The courts don't believe in granting you divorces.
Yeah, there are many women here who do not have many options. There is a young (under 30) widow supporting her 12 year old daughter. While she would have a difficult time in America, she would have better job opportunities and the prospect of remarrying. Another young woman's parents died while she was in school, now she and her sister support her sister's son, and she has given up on the thought of marriage even though she is only 24. If she gets married she will not be allowed to support her sister and nephew because she would belong to her husband's family. Thats "belong" in the sense of "property".
I have also heard of stories where the man works in the city or in America and marries a village girl to make his family happy and/or for dowry. He then continues to work in the city/American and have his affairs while his wife is treated as a slave, severely abused and possibly even killed.
I think these traditions are born out of miserable economic conditions, and the women, being physically weaker, are victimized by the men and exploited as free labor. (And children may be pulled from school to earn for the family, or worse be sold as laborers). Conditions in some places are fairly medieval (no exaggeration) and so the corresponding medieval attitudes should not be a surprise.
It makes it difficult to talk about preserving "traditional culture", when that traditional culture includes leprosy, witch hunts, lack of clean water, and lack of basic rights. Some things are clearly supported by no one, but especially when it comes to "values", its a very difficult landscape to navigate.